Never Meant to Grow Up

I never meant to grow up,

Truly, I was mistaken.

Far from me, Adulthood gleamed like a diamond in the sun,

Unbeknownst to me was nothing more than hopeless dust.

Once I fell in, into the pit of maturity,

The dust obscured the path behind me, back towards my sanctity-

Back to the world I had once been content in,

The memories faded even now as I claw at my responsibilities.

I’ve fallen too far, into Adulthood’s cruel clutches;

There’s no escape from the muck, there’s no getting back,

Back when life was good, in the Age of Childhood.

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Little things that remind me I’m a Klutz

There’s always a little piece of your personality that follows you to adulthood, haunting you at every turn or simply popping up after you’ve thought you passed that point of your life. As a little kid, there’s always that one trait you’re known for, that one characteristic that has a habit of becoming you. Some are known for their charisma, some for their wit, but me? I was known for being a Klutz.

My mom would always tell me tales of my klutzy endeavors- of that time I tripped over a piece of fuzz in the doctor’s office, or of the times during Sunday school where I would randomly fall out of my chair. I wasn’t ashamed of my clumsy nature. It was something that I’ve always known and was a defining part of my character. As I grew and matured, the clumsy aspect of my personality silently faded away until I was nearly normal.

My klutzy half never fully escaped me- it’s clear to me now that it has just been waiting in the shadows for me to trip over my own feet. Little instances in my life, caused by my excessive clumsiness peaking through the cracks of my composure, are a shocking reminder that I am still and will always be a Klutz.

Don’t Cry Over Spilled Coffee

Sometimes I like to try to be productive, and the only way I can manage to get any work done is with the help of copious amounts of caffeine coursing through my system. After setting up my work space with my computer on my lap and snack foods on a TV tray to my left, I immediately proceed to spill my freshly poured coffee all over the keyboard of my expensive laptop. The coffee wasn’t too hot, nor was it slippery; my hand just decided that holding cups was lame.

Of course, I panicked and ran into the kitchen, draping as much paper towels around me as I could without qualifying as a mummified corpse. After soaking up all of the beverage that I could see and saving my precious from a disastrous state of brokenness, I once again sat down to work, allowing my heart rate to calm to an acceptable rate. After recovering my mental state and that of my computer, I reach for my mug- only for it to once again spill, this time all over my snack tray.

It was at this point that I found myself amazed at my surprising stupidity. I was so shocked by my clumsiness that I just sat there for awhile, mesmerized by the dark liquid slowly oozing onto my carpet below. My accident-prone life flashed before my eyes like a tribute to my Klutzy endeavors, and I was forced to watch to the end before I could clean up the mess I made, again.

Don’t Drop The Phone

Nothing screams “Klutz” like throwing your phone halfway across the room. There’s no clue warning of this occurrence, only the sudden exclamation of surprise as the phone tumbles across the room as if in an Old Western movie. My clumsiness seems to center around the functioning capability of my hands, or rather the lack of. My hands are as careless and wobbly as a newborn fawn, and it’s getting a bit ridiculous. I could be just minding my own business and reading fanfiction, when suddenly my phone thinks it’s Superman, flying across my living room and fighting crimes.

Nothing is more embarrassing than having a phone that thinks it’s Superman. The walk of shame to retrieve the flung cell phone is always a painful process, accentuated by the reminder that there is no escape for being a Klutz.

Poles Are Not Your Friend

While spilling your coffee and having a spastic cell phone certainly house their own level of embarrassment, there is nothing that beats the shame that follows from walking into a pole. I can’t remember a specific time when I have done this, but I know I must have, since every time I come near a pole or other object ejecting from the floor I have to tell myself not to walk into it. Your mind is a wonderful warning system, but to Klutz, the warnings are also a painful reminder of previous instances of shame. Walking into objects tend to stun the Klutz, which usually follows a hopeless attempt to brush it off and act like it never happened. Calmly walking away from the pole while continuing whatever conversation or action that had distracted you in the first place does not erase the shame of what occurred, nor does it erase it from the minds of anyone who saw it in the immediate vicinity. At least next time, you’ll know to watch out for the pole. However, if you’re a mega Klutz like me, that’s no guarantee that it won’t happen it again. In fact, you should probably just invest in a helmet.

There is no escaping the firm grasp of clumsiness. Being a Klutz is a lifetime responsibility; live with it.

YouTube: an underappreciated source of entertainment, employment

Here is one of the articles I recently wrote for my school newspaper. Feel free to check out the Main Four and find other interesting articles to read!

Howell Main Four

By Managing Editor: Amber Lee Carnahan3606295240_09a280f1bd_o

Back in February 14, 2005, history was made when three former PayPal employees created the internet domain, “YouTube.com.” The website was designed to be a video-sharing hub where participants could share and view videos. Since then, YouTube has grown to an amazing popularity. According to YouTube’s Statistics, more than one billion unique viewers visit the website per month. Additionally, 100 hours of video are uploaded every minute, making it literally impossible to count the number of videos on YouTube. With the limitless amount of videos able to be watched across a varying genre, YouTube is able to offer a bounty of entertainment for free, compared to the high cost required to have cable television. While YouTube isn’t a direct replacement for television since it doesn’t offer access to any series or movies, it is a more cost-friendly way to stay entertained.

Entertainment. There’s several…

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The Monster Under my Bed

He whispers in the night,

His teeth gnash in my ear.

His smile curls and twists,

His words fill me with fear.

He tells me of the world,

Of the things I will see;

He says one day I’ll be “as big and horrid as me.”

He speaks of the wars and the blood and the guts,

He snarls and he bites as he hungers with lust.

He tells me of life, but it sounds like it’s death.

If you need me, I’ll be hiding

With the monster under my bed.

Five things to see or do “before it’s too late”

I know I’m still young. I’m only seventeen and will have plenty of time to explore the world and such after I graduate high school. However, there are times when the realization that life is short and unpredictable hits me like a brick, and the following anxiety attack can similarly leave me gasping for air. During these eye-opening revelations, I look back at my life and can see the dazzling trail of emptiness and nonsense that my journey through time has left strewn behind. Sure, I’ve gone on family vacations and experienced the awkwardness and fulfillment of a first job, but I’ve never done or gone anywhere that extreme. I haven’t seen any of the world’s wonders beyond my own backyard. I’ve never done anything crazy. Before my life story inevitably comes to an end, I want to be able to fill its chapters with worthwhile adventures.

Write a Novel

Ever since I was little and able to read, I have always wanted to write my own book. Not only did the possibility of becoming famous with a bestseller intrigue me, but the idea that a real person- other than my mom, who is kind of obligated- might read my novel and be a fan of its world and characters, of its plot twists and agonizing cliff hangers, fascinated me. Being heavily involved in multiple fandoms and able to truthfully say that the fandom life is the only life for me, the mere thought that one day my book could have its own fandom, with all the craziness and devotion that comes attached, simply baffles me. My one goal before I die is that I’ll be able to leave a legacy behind.

Get a Tattoo

My mom would freak out, it would hurt like hell, but one day I want to get a tattoo. Not now or anytime soon, but eventually I want the privilege to share the joy or stupidity of getting a tattoo. I am probably the least extreme person you could ever meet, but the idea of taking a risk and trying a new experience excites me. The tattoo would probably be something geeky like a Doctor Who quote, but it’d still be a great story to tell my hypothetical future children. Or maybe it’d be better if I left that chapter of my life out of their bedtime stories.

A First Kiss

One thing that might seem a bit odd to some people is the fact that I’ve never had a boyfriend, or even gone on a date before. A lot of teenagers my age have already had multiple drama-filled relationships and story-worthy “first dates,” but I’m the odd one out. For the most part, I’m fine with this fact. I’m only seventeen, and I “don’t need no man” to be happy. The truth remains, however, that I’ve never experienced the weirdness of a first kiss, and I hope this can be changed before it’s too late and I die alone, an old maid with twenty-one cats.

Go to London- Again

Okay, so I may have lied when I said I haven’t really gone anywhere special. In 2011, I was able to fly to London. The only reason I tend to not count this trip is because I wasn’t there for me, not completely. I got the opportunity to travel to London, full expenses paid, through a babysitting gig. There are two adorable blond toddlers that I often babysat, and their uncle was getting married- in London. I know, I’m jealous too, but to be fair, his fiance was British. Anyway, long story short, I was hired to help watch over the kids during the week of the wedding. While still a bunch of fun, I look forward to revisiting London without having to worry about my charges getting hit by a car.

See the Bermuda Triangle

A lot of conspiracy surrounds the mystery of the Bermuda Triangle, stories of ships and planes vanishing without a trace being the most popular. Nonetheless, I have always yearned to visit the Bermuda Triangle, even if I have to become one of the mysteries. Some people like to say how they’d prefer to die; I generally believe vanishing at the Bermuda Triangle would be an amazing way to go- talk about a legacy! I chose to write this one last because it has the high probability of being the last thing I ever do. Which, honestly, is kind of awesome.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer once said, “Carpe Diem. Seize the day, ’cause tomorrow, you might be dead.” Life is short but in no way limited. What would you want to do before it’s too late?

Procrastination: A Procrastinator’s Guide to Procrastinating

Many teachers and figures of authority may preach the importance of managing your time efficiently and may criticize you for procrastinating, but I’m here to tell you, as a professional procrastinator, that it’s okay. Procrastination isn’t something that should be ridiculed or feared, but enjoyed and encouraged. With the right tools at your side and a strong mindset, you too can be a professional procrastinator and survive.

Delay, delay! More time to play! 

Mental to-do lists can help organize a bit of the chaos of everyday life, but the order and necessity of the entries aren’t important. In fact, more work can be completed when you are forced to complete it all in a few hours. Sure, while this delay method can cause a heap of stress that could affect your mental and physical health, it’s worth it for the benefit of productivity. That’s right, procrastination doesn’t mean you aren’t productive. If you play your cards right, procrastination will become your only method of productivity. When rushed to complete work at the last minute, you are more motivated to be finished so you can finally catch up on all the sleep you lost procrastinating. Time-wise, with procrastination, you have a majority of stress-free days with only a few days at a time of severe mental and emotional stress, which can be easily slept off. Luckily for professional procrastinators, sleeping is one of our greatest talents.

Methods of procrastination: Tricks of the trade!

Perhaps you already consider yourself a professional procrastinator. You’ve been procrastinating basically your whole life, but are coming at a loss of ways to avoid work that needs to be done. Fortunately for you, I happen to have a plethora of procrastination techniques that I use on a daily basic.

Compulsive Netflixing. If you were ever looking for a way to lose yourself in endless hours of marathons and terrible life decisions, than Netflix is your salvation. With a nearly endless supply of instant streaming access, it’s easy to forget your responsibilities and let the movies play on. However, I prefer to go the serial route. Becoming a professional serial killer would be a unique method for procrastination, but I am referring to television series. Ah, the joy of joining a fandom. Fandoms are fuel for the soul of Procrastination and should be embraced posthaste(or maybe later, you might be feeling a bit peckish). The beauty of watching or starting a new TV series on Netflix is that it has auto-play. That way, if you ever start to decide maybe you should get some actual work completed, a new episode will have already started and you will be sucked back in to a comatose state and lose yourself, as well as any motivation you might have been experiencing previous, in the glorious world of fictional characters.

Tea Break! There’s nothing like taking a completely unnecessary, unearned tea break. Depending on how you like your tea, the time spent procrastinating varies. Brewing tea, the best way to drink it, will take up the most time, calculating in the perfect soak time for the tea bag and the time spent adding in the desired sweetening. If you aren’t particularly a fan of tea, you can easily substitute your preferred beverage. Or, you could just declare a generic Snack Break instead and use the time to get in your daily junk food calories.

Spontaneous Cooking! Not to be confused with the Snack Break, spontaneous cooking is when you get the urge to express yourself creatively. Spontaneous cooking shouldn’t be rushed. It’s an art, and it should be treated as such. Therefore, it is best if you spend several minutes searching the internet to cool new recipes to try for yourself. You don’t have to be a good cook to participate in the Spontaneous Cooking Method. In fact, it’s probably better if you’ve never cooked a day in your life. That way, more time will be wasted when you enevitably have to clean up your demolished kitchen.

Read this and learn well, my grasshopper. Granted, there may be other articles discouraging Procrastination and warning of its danger, and you are welcome to seek out those tales and see if the fruit tastes as sweet on the opposite side of the rainbow. Well, you might want to take a nap first.

Daylight Saving Time is Trying to Kill Me!

I’ve never exactly had a healthy sleeping routine. After making it through the wear and tear of a day at school, I like to embrace any free time I can get my greedy little hands on. A pattern has arisen that probably isn’t the best for my student career, but my YOLO levels have been pretty high lately.

After making a harrowing escape from school through the horrendous bus systems, I tend to arrive at my humble abode around three o’clock. After shredding the confines of clothing and embracing the warmth and comfort of my pj’s, I grab a snack and melt into my lounge chair, television remote in my hand. My technological craving isn’t for cable television, however. My addiction is to the one and only YouTube. Time slips by after I press play, and I can only assume I fall into some sort of a comatose state.

Eventually, I start my homework. If I wanted to be a better student, I could start earlier and put more effort into my assignments, but my senioritis has kicked in full force and I’m a very illogical human being(sorry, Spock). Luckily, I usually don’t have that much homework since I have time to finish most at school.

On a regular night, I start to wind down to meet sleep around eleven o’clock. Perhaps if I limited my caffeine intake(Coffee Addict, through and through) and time spent surfing the web, sleep wouldn’t be so difficult to obtain. Insomnia, alas, is my ever present friend through the agonizing hours of night. My second wind takes control, and I suddenly have the urge to do everything but sleep. If I didn’t have school to worry about, I’d become nocturnal.

There are times when I just want to give up on the idea of sleeping and just pull an all-nighter, but I’m sure my parents would strongly disagree with my stroke of genius. Instead, I end up spending most of the night and early morning just lying in bed, contemplating life and the secrets of the universe.

Or thinking about food, which is even worse than the anxiety of life because then I’m hungry, and who can really sleep when their hungry? Thinking about food will lead to me wanting food which ultimately will give way to a secret escapade through the house in quest for a midnight(literally) snack, with each creak of my old floorboards threatening to give away position and foil my plans for food domination.

Fortunately, these nights are usually few and far between. Generally, one night of agonizing insomnia will lead to me being dead tired the next day, which will cause me to sleep like a log that night.

Which leads me to the topic of Daylight Saving Time, my nemesis. So far, I’ve had two consecutive nights of insomnia, and I smell a pattern arising. Regardless of my political views of DST(which are that it is useless and obsolete, but I digress), the loss of an hour has started to affect my sleeping habits, and if anything can be learned from me, it’s that I’m lazy and love my sleep. Sleep and I may have a complicated relationship, but I can safely say we share a mutual hatred for Daylight Saving Time.

Complaining will get me nowhere, but my sleep deprived mind is unaware of that fact. What are your feelings towards Daylight Saving Time? If you hate it also, you can join my cult(we have cookies!). If you love it, well… it’s obvious you’ve already been brainwashed. You will be missed.

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